Am I greedy?
Written on December 11th, 2016:
Yes! I have it ALL. The loving, supportive, tall dark and handsome husband. The beautiful house in the suburbs. Two gorgeous kids who excel academically. The skyrocketing career with recognition and promotions beyond my expectations. A loving and supportive family. Wonderful friends and neighbors. And yeah, even a body that puts my 20 year old self to shame. So what the fuck??
Why do I wake up in the morning and think to myself…is this it? Is there no more? Am I honestly fulfilling my full potential and living the life I want? Sadly, the answer is no. Shocking right? And downright ungrateful is what it is. But as much as I love everything I have, I can't help but yearn for what I do not have. A career that I am passionate about. More freedom to walk my kids to school in the morning and pick them up. More disposable income so that, God forbid, I can get my nails done on a regular basis, or buy myself a new pair of shoes. So that I don't guilt myself out of treating myself more often. Like you don't know how mad it makes me when I see women who work at McDonald's sport nicer shit than me. Handing me back my change with gold Michael Kors watches on their wrists. Yeah yeah, maybe they have different priorities or whatever (I'm not judging), but STILL! Why can't I do it?
It sounds like whining right? I feel like that poor little rich girl right now, but we all have our shit. And maybe it's just human nature to always want more….to never truly be satisfied. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying that right now, it is what it is. I want MORE!
I want to stop having anxiety about Mondays. I want to wake up in the morning and feel like the work I am doing is making a positive impact on the world…scratch that, just people (the world can wait). I want to check my email in the morning and find out….hey, I just made money while I was sleeping! Instead of waking up to customer complaints about despite how hard me and my team are working, it's just not enough. I guess they too are just greedy.
So why am I writing this? I am writing this because….because I have been keeping a bottle on my feelings for years, and still not having the balls to hold myself accountable to make change. I love the saying "You aren't a tree. If you don't like where you're standing….just move!". But easier said than done right? How do you find the motivation sometimes to make that change that's been nagging at you? To think to do something and then just fearlessly DO IT? All I know is that I am struggling with this very thing. I can lose 10lbs without batting an eyelash. It's second nature to me now. But there was a time that it was a struggle, and I found the only thing that lit my ass on fire was documenting my journey along the way to hold myself accountable. It wasn't about who read it, or who was inspired by it. It was just raw, and me, and it WORKED!
I don't know what shape this will take, or where this will go from here. I'm just in THIS moment right now and all I know is that I have to START. Fearlessly. Like a 5 year old who comes across a mudpuddle. Not thinking about the mess I will make, or who will be upset, how long it will take to get the stains out, or what I will find in once I decide to jump in. Only concerned about the NOW and the WONDER and the EXPLORATION. Shoot, I'm not even going back to edit this post or come up with a good closing line.
END.