F*CK BALANCE!
Feeling overwhelmed is a cry for boundaries as well as grace. Scratch that, I need to lead with grace. Not only grace that I give to myself (the laundry doesn’t have to be done this minute), but the grace I request from others as well during this time when everyone is off, except for me.
How do you find balance? It's probably the question I get asked the most. I've always defined work life balance as a swinging pendulum. Sometimes that pendulum needs to swing more towards work, and at other times it will swing towards time with family. Either way it’s okay, but if you prioritize time with family, just be mindful of the time the pendulum is swung into work mode and always find a timeline to swing it back.
Gabriel Union actually defined it way better than me in her latest book, “Do You Have Anything Stronger” in the chapter called...well... "FUCK BALANCE" it just doesn't exist.
I immediately react when someone says balance doesn't exist, and maybe it's because of the over achiever in me that just never wants to give up. Fuck balance feels like giving up. But wait…there's more.
We are all chasing this concept of being a perfect pie at all times between work, family, relationships, children, etc. Trying to be everything all at once is what has most of us on the constant tipping point of a mental breakdown. Suddenly you are on the floor crying in a scattered pile of blueberries that fell out of the fridge when you went to quickly grab milk for your crying and hungry child in between virtual meetings (that may or may not be a true moment from my life).
Perhaps the pursuit of balance always has you feeling guilt and shame for not having enough of it. But what if what you actually needed was grace. I actually love that because it is such a WAY better description for what works for me and what I encourage my clients to seek.
Grace means giving yourself permission to be a little bit late to that meeting or allowing someone else to take the lead from time to time. As Gabriel puts it Grace sounds like "I am trying my best, and I know you all are too. But sometimes we don't have it in us to be our best and were going to have to hope we have enough decent human beings around us that are also in the same boat"
This past month, I’ve had to practice grace and as such, have had to teach my children to give it. With deadlines, and the holidays, I’ve was riddled with shame narratives. I’m not present enough with my children now that they are off school. I’m not pulling my weight at work. I’m not prepared enough for Christmas and my kids are going to miss out on that Christmas magic. I need to complete building this course, which is taking me much more effort than I anticipated because I’ve never done it before.
Then, I took a breather and took steps towards grace. I told my daughter that I needed the mornings to work on my course and then I can devote spending time with her in the afternoon. Through doing this, she actually became my cheerleader and motivated me to get one more module done when I was frustrated and ready to throw in the towel. She actually felt a sense of pride and ownership in seeing me accomplish something that took away time from her, which was beautiful.
I also explained to the kids that this Christmas would be lowkey but vow that once we were in our new house next year, we would be dripping in Christmas spirit (we didn’t bother digging the Christmas decorations out of our huge storage bin. There are just way too many boxes in there while we are in this apartment). Also ensured that there was an afternoon set aside (thanks to Shan for taking my kids that day) so that Chris and I could hit the mall to get them the gifts that they really wanted. They quickly forgot about the lack of Christmas decorations once they opened their presents to find the things they asked for.
Most importantly, I told Chris I needed help. As I mother, I sometimes forget that I am not the only parent. That I chose someone who is loving, and capable of everything that I do for this family. Whether that be finding ways to make memories with the children, or cooking dinner.
How do I do balance? Chris and I have become very good at grace over the years (though there have been stretches where I can admit to being very un-graceful). We take turns in shouldering more of the load at home when one has a major project or deadline coming up, or is starting a new job, etc.
Grace for myself says that it's okay that I'm not picking up the kids or dropping them to school every day and that Chris is currently playing the more dominant caregiver role. Because as soon as the pendulum needs to swing the other way, I know I will do (and have done) just the same. Grace for myself means that I need to encourage others around me to provide grace and give them the opportunities to feel like they are a part of something/someone outside of themselves.
Just because sometimes I need to say “me first” does not mean that I am a “me only” person. I know this about myself, I just need to give myself the permission to believe it. Even when the kids have an all-day pajama or screentime day so that I can meet the deadlines I’ve set for myself. Even when I have to wash the laundry a third time because I keep forgetting to move the wet clothes from the washer to the dryer. Or when yes, it’s take-out again today.
Give me grace in this time because believe me…I will be back!