I hate asking for help!
I thought about the word hate when I just typed that title? Do I really hate it? My gut feel is YES! But how could I possibly hate anything that has historically benefitted me? How could I possibly hate anything that I encourage others to ask of me?
Well, let me tell you why:
Because I have it in my head that someone is keeping score and I’m going to be indebted to them.
Because if I’m successful, someone will turn around and diminish my success by reminding me that I couldn’t have possibly gotten to where I am without their help.
Because I don’t want to admit to anyone that I don’t have it ALL figured out by myself. An admission of weakness.
(And this is a big one…probably should have been number one) because I feel like asking anyone to shift their priorities to mine for any duration of time is an inconvenience to them. Surely, they have better things to do than help me!
I think it’s the thing about me that annoys my husband most about me. I don’t ask for help. So instead, I build up resentment and burn myself out trying to do everything and just end up snipping at him and the kids because “I seem to be the ONLY ONE in this house who does anything! If I don’t do it, no one will, or it won’t be done right!”
This wasn’t just showing up in the home either. Oh no! At work, I used to pride myself on being the hero. The one that everyone came to in order to fix their issues and their mistakes. The one that people could hand a problem to, and I would just hand it back to them resolved. People come to me for help! I don’t go to them!
But I was burning out. I needed help. I obtained a Coach and took intensive leadership training to rewrite my internal scripts. Learned to delegate. Reframed my fear of weakness into an opportunity to get where I wanted to go faster. An opportunity to approach tasks with clarity and productivity because I wasn’t tired or clouded by resentment. An opportunity to allow others to shine because I my ego wasn’t insisting on hogging all the glory.
Now, I find myself in brand new territory. I’ve walked away from a life I had “figured out” and into a new one. I’m a beginner in this new world and every time I turn around, there’s something else I don’t know. Scratch that, there’s a f*cking mountain of things I don’t know! I find myself in an open field of vast opportunity, and it makes me all the more vulnerable. It gives way for all my old beliefs to find their way to the forefront again.
I can’t stop these beliefs from being present (they are far too engrained in my brain coding), so I allow them to be heard just so that I can begin the process of dismantling them.
I have it in my head that someone is keeping score and I’m going to be indebted to them.
Does this person ask me for help, and do I keep score with them?
Has this person historically held favors over the heads of others?
Is there something that I can offer this person to ensure that the experience is mutually beneficial or a plan I can present to assure them that I can balance the scales?
If I’m successful, someone will turn around and diminish my success by reminding me that I couldn’t have possibly gotten to where I am without their help.
Would this person’s help provide me with value and possibly decrease the timeline of meeting my goals?
Does acknowledging the fact that someone else was part of my success make my success any less worthy of celebration?
Is it likely that this person got to where they are today without engaging the help of others?
Does this person display toxic traits that would indicate that they would behave this way?
I don’t want to admit to anyone that I don’t have it ALL figured out by myself. An admission of weakness.
When others ask me for help, do I view them as weak?
Asking anyone to shift their priorities to mine for any duration of time is an inconvenience to them and they have better things to do.
If the shoe were on the other foot, would I help them?
Are my priorities/goals worthy and valuable?
I’m not always great at it, but that’s why I continue to seek the help of a third person. To change the language of “I hate asking for help” to “I’m excited to ask for help because I know that it will enable me to learn, grow, and achieve my goals faster than if I tried to do it all alone.”
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