June 21st, 2020: The day I learned my imposter syndrome…wasn’t my fault
I remember it vividly. We were in the height of the pandemic and the Black Lives Matter movement had just erupted across the globe. People were spiraling from the death and violence that was targeting black communities, and it was a heavy weight to bare. Large companies, like mine, were being called to action to not only take a close look at their own diversity practices, but to “check in” with black employees.
I readied myself for a webcast featuring Dr. Patricia Hewlin, who holds a PhD in organizational behavior and conducts research on how organization members and leaders engage in authentic self-expression, as well as factors that impede authenticity in everyday work interactions. This was the first time I had attended a companywide event led by a woman of color.
A slide appeared with a variety of shocking stats about violence and incarceration rates in the black community, how Black students were four times as likely to be expelled than white students, earned significantly less than their white counterparts in the same jobs, and how laws as recent as the 1960s prohibited black families from buying land and property IN CANADA! I say CANADA in all capitals because like most of the Canadian population, I believed that racism wasn’t a CANADIAN problem.
I lived in a land that was far more progressive than other countries where systemic racism really existed. And because of this largely engrained belief, I also believed that my imposter syndrome was my fault. It was my own doing and my own lack of confidence.
But that webinar changed something inside of me. Something that overwhelmed so much that I logged off and sobbed. I released the weight of a pain I had been carrying for as long as I could remember but didn’t know I was carrying. This wasn’t my fault.
It wasn't my fault that I always felt out of place every time I walked into a room with only other white men. It wasn't my fault why I felt an urgent need to change my last name on my resume from Boodram to Morrison the day I got engaged because I knew Lauren Morrison had a much better shot at getting an interview. It wasn't my fault that my husband and I carefully chose the names of our children based on what would look good on a resume. It wasn't my fault that on my first day working as a Project Manager, I was relieved to find out most of my work would be over the phone, because I'd carry more credibility if people didn't see what I looked like. It wasn’t my fault that I constantly felt out of place in circles of white friends because “what do you mean you’ve NEVER been to a cottage?”. It wasn’t my fault that when I did a person of color “making it”, I would silently ask myself “but how?”
Moreover, it certainly isn’t my children’s fault for believing that their skin color will hold them back from achieving their goals, so they’ve already learned by the age of 10 that they need to temper their aspirations (more on that if you missed the blog “The weight of the only”). This was never something that they had ever been told and because it was something I had never been outwardly told, I just assumed that it was all me. Not realizing that, just like them, I was observing the world and putting the pieces together for myself as to what people needed to look like in order be successful outside of music and athletics.
It’s because of this that I know that my work can’t stop with coaching women of color through their own imposter syndrome. I need to step back into the boardrooms and continue to work with organizations and leaders who also need to recognize that the reason why people of color aren’t applying for more senior roles isn’t their fault so that they can do better in creating safer and more inclusive work environments.
That’s what’s next in chapter 2022.
If this blog resonates with you, be sure to click the link below right now to sign up for my free Webinar where I will outline 3 of the major limiting beliefs that often hold women of color back from stepping into fulfilling careers and proven strategies to challenge and overcome them. Strategies that I have used with dozens of women that have helped them to achieve increased salaries, promotions, switch careers, scale or even launch 6 figure businesses.